Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1956]
Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.
His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.
[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]
Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!
Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!
Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.
[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]
Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.
Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.
Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.
Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.
Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!
Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!
Freckled Youth: Please?
Hermione Granger: OK.
[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]
Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.
[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]
Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!
[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]
Freckled Youth: She's amazing.
Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!
[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]
Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.
Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.
[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]
Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.
[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]
Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!
Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.
Freckled Youth: And how!
[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]
Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??
Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?
[she FLIPS OUT]
Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.
[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]
Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?
Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.
[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]
Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!
[he GETS a WATER boner]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.
Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.
[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]
Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.
Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.
[she PASSES OUT]
Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.
Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!
Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!
[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.
Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?
Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.
[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]
Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.
[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]
Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?
Freckled Youth: Week?
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