Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]


Kaye said...

Spot. Fucking. On.

Lauren said...

Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]

It was SO hard to enjoy this hot ass moment knowing what was coming!

This movie was ridiculous and I loved it and this review is perfect.